1 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,440 Seriously, we're going to have to tell 'em at some point. 2 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:40,040 Er, no, we're going to have to tell them at no point. 3 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:43,320 What? The first time we've ever had girlfriends at the same time? 4 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:44,560 Do you know how happy Mum will be? 5 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,600 Yes, the happiest she's ever been in her entire life. 6 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:48,200 - Exactly. - And it will be hell. 7 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:49,680 It won't be hell. 8 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,840 It will be hell, won't it? 9 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,680 - Total hell. - Let's definitely not tell 'em. 10 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,400 - (SNIFFS) - What's that smell? 11 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:00,520 Sewers. 12 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,160 Oh. Um, thanks. 13 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:05,319 You're welcome. 14 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,480 - Scared of the man? - Petrified. 15 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,760 And there it is. 16 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,600 Dad's massive, stupid caravan. 17 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,800 It's absolutely disgusting. 18 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,560 - It's a dustbin on wheels. - Dustbin on bricks. 19 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,840 Hello, bambinos. 20 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:23,920 - Hi. - Hello, Dad. 21 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,000 Well, what do you think? 22 00:01:26,039 --> 00:01:28,280 Er, were you wearing a blindfold when you bought that? 23 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,120 - What? - Or were you just in a coma? 24 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,320 Pillock. 25 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:32,920 Why the hell did you buy a caravan? 26 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,160 I told you, I went in one when I was a boy, and... 27 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,080 Whoa! 28 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:39,280 That's not dangerous. 29 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:41,400 Yeah. Safety last, eh, Dad? 30 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,479 - Idiots. Well, come in, then. - Really? 31 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,039 Say your prayers. 32 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:47,080 Hmm. 33 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:49,600 Well? 34 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,520 And if you thought it looked nice on the outside... 35 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:57,600 What a dump! 36 00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,759 What? It's fabulous. 37 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:00,960 Yeah, it's a fabulous shithole. 38 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,800 It's...not a shithole! 39 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,120 Now, listen, I need your help. 40 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,039 Psychological help, or...? 41 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,240 How am I going to get that mother of yours to set foot in my caravan? 42 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,480 Er, have you tried chloroform? 43 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:15,040 She hates this bloody thing. 44 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,000 And might that be because you bought this shithole behind her back? 45 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:18,520 It's not a shithole. 46 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,960 Well, OK, it needs a bit of work. 47 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,320 Or a bit of dynamite. 48 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:24,960 - So? - So, what? 49 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:25,960 Are you going to help me, then? 50 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,680 What? Help you make Mum like your horrible caravan? 51 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:29,920 - Yes. - BOTH: No. 52 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,160 - Why not? - Because it's a shithole. 53 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,360 Whoa! 54 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:34,360 Jesus! 55 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,960 - Yeah, that needs adjusting. - You need adjusting. 56 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,840 - Goodbye. - Now wait... 57 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,760 Now, how about we all have dinner in here tonight? 58 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,760 - Sure, Dad. Sure. - It'll be lovely. 59 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,920 All four of us, the whole family, eating together. 60 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:47,960 Dying together. 61 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,200 Look, it's got everything. A kitchen. 62 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:50,800 - Hideous. - A dining area. 63 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,280 - Hideous. - Toilet. 64 00:02:55,079 --> 00:02:56,280 That's just terrifying. 65 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,800 OK, then, just look at what I made for your mum. 66 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,000 JACKIE: Boys... 67 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,760 I thought you were in here. 68 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:02,800 - Hi, Mum. - Hi. 69 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,320 Hello, my sweet, are you coming inside? 70 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,120 You know the answer, Martin. Boys... 71 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,800 But you haven't even given it a chance. 72 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,840 Come on, Jackie, you don't know what you're missing. 73 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,360 Any number of diseases. 74 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:13,520 Ow! 75 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,600 OK, out of that shithole. 76 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:19,120 - Certainly. - It's not a shithole! 77 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,640 And make sure you wash your hands. 78 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:22,120 What? They don't need to wash their hands. 79 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,880 Er, we do need to wash our hands. 80 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,400 Dinner's nearly ready. Are you coming inside or what? 81 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,480 Well, actually, Jackie, 82 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,640 the boys said that they'd really like to have dinner in the caravan. 83 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,079 Yes, that is exactly what we said. 84 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,440 Martin, for the 800th time, we are not having dinner in your... 85 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,480 ...murder van, all right? 86 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:38,640 All right. God. 87 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,280 - See you, Dad. - Yeah, enjoy your murdering! 88 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:42,480 (MUTTERS) 89 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,720 He wants us to have dinner in that?! 90 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:45,960 Certain death. 91 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,520 Can you believe your stupid dad bought a caravan? 92 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,320 Not just any caravan. That caravan. 93 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,520 All week it's been festering in our drive. 94 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,640 Boys, where can we get a crushing machine? 95 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,280 You know he wanted to take me on holiday in that thing? 96 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,480 On holiday? 97 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,960 What? So you can both plummet off a cliff? 98 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,520 Hands. 99 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,280 It's funny. I haven't stepped inside it once yet, 100 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,360 and it's been sending him quite mad. 101 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:08,640 We hadn't noticed. 102 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:09,800 (TAP GURGLES) 103 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,240 What's with the water? 104 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,440 Oh, cos they've been digging up the silly road. 105 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:14,680 Looking for Dad's victims? 106 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,360 Yes, I'm really enjoying annoying your father at the moment. 107 00:04:19,399 --> 00:04:20,519 And long may it continue, Mother! 108 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,400 Hm, I'm really enjoying it. 109 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,480 Er, is that gin? 110 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,520 - Sorry. I must just go for a wee. - Mum? 111 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:35,840 She's drinking gin. 112 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,000 - That's what she drinks when she's... - BOTH: ...depressed. 113 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,720 - We have to tell her our news. - No way. 114 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,159 - Adam. - Boys. 115 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,080 Oh, God, Dad, what are you doing? 116 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,800 - Shh. Where's your mother? - What? 117 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,360 - Where is she? - Um, in the loo. What do you want? 118 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,360 Just gone in the loo? Or been in there a while? 119 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,480 Does it matter? 120 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,400 Has your brain fallen out of your head tonight? 121 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:53,720 Just answer the sodding question. 122 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:57,200 Um, she's been in the loo for precisely 17 seconds. 123 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,040 Great. 124 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,120 - Right, this is the plan. - The plan? 125 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,080 You take the soup, you follow me out through the side door 126 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,360 all the way up to the caravan. 127 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,800 - What? - Dinner in the caravan. Remember? 128 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,600 Erm, no, we don't remember. 129 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:10,840 No, we do remember. 130 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,080 We said we definitely do not want to have dinner in your disgusting caravan. 131 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:17,760 God, then I'll have to get the bloody soup myself, then, won't I? Thanks for nothing! 132 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,680 Martin? What are you doing with my soup? 133 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,440 Huh? Boys, quick. 134 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,120 You little git! 135 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,240 What are you doing? 136 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,360 Dad thinks he's in a prison movie or something. 137 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,960 Were you stealing my soup? 138 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,680 - No. - Yes, you were. 139 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,600 - Shut up! - And have a guess where he was taking it. 140 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,920 Right, I'm having that, thank you. 141 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,880 But, Jackie, I've made it all nice in there. 142 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,840 You mean you've emptied the chemical toilet? 143 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,120 Actually, I may need a hand with that thing, 144 00:05:43,159 --> 00:05:45,320 cos the unit's jammed and it's brimming with human waste. 145 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,400 OK, maybe you shouldn't have dinner with us tonight. 146 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:48,920 - What? - BOTH: Mum? 147 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:53,720 Shut up, boys. Yes, maybe you should eat all on your own. 148 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,480 - But, Jackie... - In your shithole. 149 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,760 MARTIN: It's not a shithole! 150 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:01,600 Right, then. Dinner for three? 151 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,560 This is fun, isn't it, the three of us having dinner? 152 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,320 Mummy and her boys. 153 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,400 Uh-huh. 154 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,200 What? 155 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,920 Well, I mean, obviously this is great fun. 156 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:21,960 Great fun. 157 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,880 And not at all like we suddenly don't have a dad any more. 158 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:24,880 Very good. 159 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,560 Even though we always set a place for him at the table. 160 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,800 To remind us of the better times. 161 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,120 Thank you, boys. 162 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,800 - I hope he's all right in there. - Poor Dad. 163 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,640 Poor Dad? 164 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,760 Right. We'll see if he's all right in there, shall we? 165 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,040 Jackie to Martin. 166 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,080 BOTH: What is that? 167 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,920 Your dad's stupid thing for when he's in his stupid crapmobile. 168 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,360 Martin, it's Jackie. Are you all right in there? 169 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,200 It's a good system. 170 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,560 Martin to Jackie. How many times do I have to tell you? 171 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,640 It's, "Are you all right in there? Over." 172 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,520 He's all right in there. 173 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,400 I'm sorry, but it's been like this all week. 174 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:08,080 Every night he's had his dinner out there, 175 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:12,040 I've had my dinner in here. It's been really...hard. 176 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,040 I've been really lonely. 177 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,240 - Adam's got a girlfriend. - You shit! 178 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,000 - Ow! - What? 179 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,440 - Jonny's got a girlfriend. - Huh? You've both got girlfriends? 180 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,680 BOTH: Yes. 181 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,360 At the same time? 182 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,760 - BOTH: Yes. - Oh, my God! 183 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,120 Thank you! 184 00:07:34,159 --> 00:07:35,159 Please. 185 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,480 - Thank you! - Mum... 186 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,720 Oh, I'm so excited. 187 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,760 Martin? Uh! 188 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:44,800 Martin! Come inside right now. 189 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,280 - Something incredible's just happened! - Seriously? 190 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:51,760 Oh! Boys, you don't know how happy you've just made your mother. 191 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,040 We do. 192 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:57,560 Martin to Jackie. It's, "Something incredible's just happened. Over!" 193 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,320 - God! - Where are you going? 194 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,680 Martin, bloody come in here right now! 195 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,600 Mum! The neighbours! 196 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,000 Screw the neighbours! 197 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,840 Oh, we are going to celebrate tonight! 198 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,520 - Are we? - And I am going to hear everything... 199 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,040 ...about everything. 200 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,400 - (DOORBELL RINGS) - Coming! 201 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,080 Right, stay there. Stay there. 202 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,960 Oooh! Two weddings! 203 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,120 - Hell. - Total. 204 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,560 (CHUCKLES AND HUMS JOLLY TUNE) 205 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:27,720 Martin, the boys have... 206 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:30,280 - Hello, Jackie. - Oh, it's you. 207 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,280 The boys have what, Jackie? Cholera? 208 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:37,240 Sorry? Um, terrible time, Jim. What do you want? Martin! 209 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:42,159 No, I just wanted you to know that I've finally come up with a name. 210 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,120 - A name? - Yes, Jackie. 211 00:08:44,159 --> 00:08:46,240 Well, I couldn't keep calling her Wilson, 212 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:50,000 so I've come up with a completely different name for her. 213 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,240 Oh, right. 214 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,280 And what is it? 215 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,720 Milson. 216 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,560 - Milson? - Milson. 217 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:02,320 (WHINES) 218 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,320 - Hi, Jim. - Hello, boys. 219 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,440 Um, Jim's got a completely new name for his dog. 220 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,040 It's Milson. 221 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,440 Well, that is a completely new name. 222 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:14,720 Right, well, erm, thank you, Jim. Martin! 223 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:20,440 Also, I wondered if you'd noticed a strange sort of eggy smell outside? 224 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,840 - Eggy smell? - Yes. Very eggy. 225 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,920 Oh, yeah, well, that'll just be the water people. 226 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,160 The water people? Where? 227 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:32,200 Um, in the road, Jim. You know, the people doing the sewers? 228 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,880 The sewers. 229 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,000 - So I'm allowed in now, am I? - Oh! 230 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,120 Been in your special little house, have you, Martin? 231 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,840 What? Oh, that's right. 232 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,600 I've always wanted to go in one of those. 233 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:45,880 Well, you're welcome any time, Jim. 234 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,920 - Am I? - Stupid bumhole. 235 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,400 - So is that all, Jim? - Yes, of course, Jackie. 236 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,360 Bye, all. 237 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:55,040 Come on...Milson. 238 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,440 Good girl. 239 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:57,720 (MILSON WHINES) 240 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,560 JACKIE: Um, goodbye, Jim. 241 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,320 Goodnight. 242 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,760 - My God. - Milson? 243 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,560 Martin, the boys have some incredible news. 244 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:10,840 Go on, tell your dad. 245 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,640 Adam's got three weeks to live. 246 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,600 - Ow. - That is a horrible thing to say! 247 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,120 Three weeks? Can't he make it three days? 248 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,760 Argh, Jackie! 249 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,800 God! Both the boys have got girlfriends! 250 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,240 - Really? - (SQUEALS) 251 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,040 These two buggers have both got females? 252 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,880 - Uhhh. - Yeah, Dad, we've both got females. 253 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,600 Isn't it amazing? Ooh, what are their names? What are their names? 254 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,920 BOTH: Lucy. 255 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,680 - Sorry? - They're both called Lucy. 256 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,120 Both of your girlfriends are called Lucy? 257 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,120 - Yeah, it's quite annoying actually. - Very annoying. 258 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:42,680 OK, well, we'll call your Lucy "Lucy One" and your Lucy "Lucy Two". 259 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,120 - Great idea, Mum. - Er, why's my girlfriend number two? 260 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,440 Cos she's second best, obviously. 261 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,640 Ow! 262 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,640 Well, aren't you going to say anything, Martin? 263 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,280 What? Oh, yes... Er... Well done. 264 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,880 "Well done"? 265 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,640 Both your sons have got girlfriends and that's all you can say? 266 00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,600 - It's OK, Mum. - It's not OK. 267 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,000 Do you know how many years I've been waiting for this bloody moment? 268 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,440 You're supposed to be their father. Say something proper to your sons. 269 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,160 OK. Er, boys... 270 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,560 BOTH: Yes? 271 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,480 Always wear a sheath. 272 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,560 Ah, your girlfriends sound so nice. 273 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,680 Yes, please ask lots more questions about them. 274 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,200 Like another 100,000. 275 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,760 - Stop it. - Can we have the rest of our dinner now? 276 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,400 Come on. Photos. 277 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:27,920 - Photos? - Really? 278 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,960 - Come on. - Uhhh. 279 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,480 Oh, lovely hair! 280 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:34,480 Yup. 281 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,320 Oh, lovely smile! 282 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,160 - Mine's definitely the fittest. - The shittest. 283 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,920 - Dad? - Pissface. 284 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,400 Who do you think's the fittest? 285 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,160 Oh, how can you say such a thing? 286 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,480 The fittest? How would I know? 287 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,760 Have you tried racing them against each other? 288 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,920 Huh? 289 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,920 (SLURPS) 290 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,320 Fantastic celebration. 291 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,680 Well, if you really want to celebrate, why don't we all go in my caravan? 292 00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,120 Or why don't we not? 293 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:00,600 In fact, if you and your ladies 294 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,320 ever want to use the caravan for a bit of, you know... 295 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,080 ..."ar-ar-ar-ah, ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ah"... 296 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,280 - Oh, my God. - ...just ask. 297 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,000 - You're revolting. You know that? - Oh, yes. 298 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,320 Hm. (SLURPS) 299 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:14,360 Right, go in there 300 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,800 and take the chicken into the dining room, will you? 301 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,520 Ar-ar-ar-ah, ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ah. 302 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,600 OK. Nazi interrogation over? 303 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:23,880 All right. 304 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,720 Yes! Bring on the chicken. 305 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:26,960 - Chicken time! - Kwkk! 306 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,400 Oh, I can't wait to meet your lovely girls! 307 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,480 - Sorry? - Huh? 308 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,360 Well, you want them to meet Mummy, don't you? 309 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,000 Right. 310 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,560 Thank you for ruining my celebration. 311 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,840 Your celebration? 312 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,600 OK, obviously Mum and Dad are never meeting our girlfriends. 313 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,640 Obviously. 314 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,440 JACKIE: Boys? Boys! 315 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,920 - Mum? - What's happened? 316 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,720 He's taken the chicken! 317 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,040 Give me back my chicken! 318 00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,400 This is ridiculous. 319 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,840 Piss off! 320 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,640 How's he got his top off already? 321 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:06,160 Martin, come out with the chicken this second! 322 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,240 It's, "Martin, come out with the chicken this second. Over." 323 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,520 How many bleeding times? 324 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,880 Jonny! 325 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,160 - Bloody sods! - Give us the chicken! Now! 326 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,600 - Get off! - Dad! 327 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,320 OK, you can have the chicken. 328 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:23,560 You can all have the chicken... if you eat it in here. 329 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:24,840 What? 330 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,720 Your mum thinks it's so horrible in my caravan, does she? 331 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,880 Well, just wait till she sees what I've done for her. 332 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,120 There. 333 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,160 See that? 334 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,760 "Martin and Jackie." 335 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,400 Yes, very nice, Dad. 336 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:39,760 Can we have the chicken now? 337 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,040 And if I press this button... 338 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:43,360 (ALL SCREAM) 339 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,880 Now! 340 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,120 - Sorry, Dad. - Oi! 341 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,120 I've got the chicken! I've got the chicken! 342 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,800 Quickly! (SQUEALS) 343 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,400 Give it back, you bastards! 344 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,880 Oh! Bobbles! My heroes. 345 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,840 - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Give me that chicken! 346 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,240 Go away! 347 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,400 He needs locking up. 348 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,880 Right. 349 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,760 Oh, no... The side door. 350 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,240 (CRASH) 351 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,120 - Wait. - Huh? 352 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,120 (GRUNTING) 353 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:16,160 - Ah, of course. - Hello, Martin. 354 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,440 Well, help me, then. 355 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:21,040 Certainly, darling. Let me just move this nice soft chair out of your way. 356 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,920 Jackie, help me, for God's sake! 357 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,760 Uh, don't you mean, "Help me, for God's sake. Over"? 358 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,920 - Why don't you sit down, boys? - Thank you, Mother. 359 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,200 You bloody, bleeding...! 360 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,560 Ow... 361 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:32,960 (THUD) 362 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,080 (MARTIN GROANS) 363 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,680 Argh. I think I've broken my skull. 364 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,800 You are getting scraps tonight. Do you hear me? Scraps! 365 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:41,720 Yes. 366 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,720 Our poor girlfriends, missing all this! 367 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,880 - Hello, all. - (ALL EXCLAIM) 368 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:50,760 Jim? 369 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,360 Completely flooded? 370 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,360 Yes, Jackie, 371 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:57,000 my house is completely flooded with... 372 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,760 What's the word? 373 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,880 Er, water? Excrement. 374 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,320 - Excrement? - Excrement? 375 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:06,640 Apparently, a sewerage pipe got redirected into my house. 376 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,080 Th-That's why my shoes are all... 377 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,680 Er, ooh... 378 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,480 Uh... 379 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,240 And then the water people told me I had to leave 380 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,400 while they try to fix it. Now I've got nowhere to go. 381 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,440 Oh, God. 382 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,080 Sorry, Jim, we'd love to invite you in, 383 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,960 but we're sort of celebrating tonight. 384 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,280 No more cholera? 385 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,200 - What?! - Sorry? 386 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:32,120 Um, it's all right, Jackie. I wasn't going to ask if I could come in. 387 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,200 - Good. - Oh. 388 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,440 No, I just wondered 389 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:39,840 if maybe I could have a little piece of chicken to eat. 390 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,760 Er, OK. 391 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,480 And maybe if I could have it in the... 392 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,400 ...special little house. 393 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,560 Oof. 394 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,400 Nice bone and gristle, Martin? 395 00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,520 Ooh. 396 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,480 Jim to Martin on the talkie-walkie. Over. 397 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,360 Not again. 398 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,120 Definitely going to be like this all night. 399 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,160 Martin reading. Over. 400 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,120 Um, where's the mustard? Over. 401 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:12,640 The man's driving me bloody mad. 402 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,560 Ah, is he? 403 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,880 Martin to Jim. 404 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:20,080 The mustard's in the little drawer on the right. Over. 405 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,280 Thank you, Martin. Over and out. 406 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,760 Well, at least he follows the correct communications procedure. 407 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,680 On the talkie-walkie. 408 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,840 Jim to Martin on the talkie-walkie. 409 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,160 Bleeding hell. 410 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:33,800 Martin reading. Over. 411 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,400 Do you have anything that looks and tastes like a lemon, 412 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,040 but isn't a lemon? Over. 413 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,840 Oh, turn the wretched thing off, will you? 414 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,040 Do your lady friends like caravans? 415 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,520 Do they like caravans? 416 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,480 Martin, our sons announce that they've both got girlfriends, 417 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,920 and that's the first thing you want to ask? 418 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,680 Er, sorry, Dad. I don't actually know if my girlfriend likes caravans. 419 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,480 Yeah, funny. I don't really know either. 420 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,440 You don't know if they like caravans? 421 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,760 What the hell do you talk about? 422 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,600 Not caravans, I hope. 423 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,640 I mean, I can ask, if you'd like me to. 424 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:07,800 I would, actually. 425 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,839 Do you like caravans? 426 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,319 I'll ask as well. Just texting Lucy One, the best Lucy. 427 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:20,760 So when am I going to bloody meet them? 428 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,839 - 100 years? - 1,000 years? 429 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:24,000 1,000 years. 430 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,280 - Boys... - (PHONE DINGS) 431 00:17:26,319 --> 00:17:30,240 OK. She says, "What do you mean, caravans?" 432 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:31,320 - (PHONE VIBRATES) - Oh! 433 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,960 "Caravans? What do you mean?" 434 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,040 - They've never heard of caravans? - (PHONE RINGS) 435 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:37,840 Oh! 436 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,040 Hi. No, sorry, it was just my stupid dad. 437 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,720 - (PHONE RINGS) - Oh. Sorry, babe. 438 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:46,200 My stupid, stupid dad just wanted to know. Yeah, right... 439 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,360 - It's the girls! - (BOTH BOYS TALK) 440 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,320 Oh, let me say hello to them. 441 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,960 - Mum, get off! - Oh, please. 442 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,880 - God, Mum! - Mum! 443 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:55,680 - Adam. - Leave me alone! 444 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,160 Adam! Oh, Adam! 445 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,720 - Sorry, Luce, she's mad. - Crazy. 446 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,200 - Get off! - Just go away! 447 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,880 - Right. - But I want to speak to them! 448 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,560 Mum! 449 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,080 - Give me your phones! - Get off, you lunatic! 450 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,080 Give me your phones! 451 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,880 - Get in there! - In there! 452 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,960 - Wait, no... Boys! - Just get in there! 453 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,400 Horrible! 454 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:12,880 She's insane! 455 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,200 It's not fair. 456 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,200 So, do they like caravans? 457 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:21,760 - Sorry, Luce, she's mad. - (DOORBELL RINGS) 458 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,320 - I know, crazy. - Yeah, see you later. 459 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:24,920 - Anyway, bye. - Absolutely insane. 460 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,000 Absolutely insane. 461 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,320 Ugh! 462 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,680 - Insane! - Insane. 463 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,880 - Thank you so much for that. - Yes, thanks, Mum. 464 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,920 Horrible boys. 465 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,080 - Hello, all. - Oh, yeah, Jim's here. 466 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,240 What are you bloody doing? 467 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:44,760 Um, I've been told by the water people that I can go back home now. 468 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,040 Oh, right. Really? 469 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,440 There's still excrement everywhere, 470 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:52,000 but there's not quite so much excrement everywhere as before. 471 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,280 Lovely. 472 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,600 Ugh, what is that smell? 473 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,400 Close the window, will you? 474 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,840 Oh, and, Martin, I noticed the loo 475 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,760 in your caravan was all blocked up, so I... 476 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,360 (MILSON WHINES) 477 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:09,240 Remain. So I, um... 478 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:16,600 ...I managed to get the waste unit out for you. 479 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,560 My God! 480 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,560 Ugh! Jim! Don't leave it there! 481 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:24,040 Thanks, Jim. Maybe take that back outside again? 482 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,320 Yes, but slowly! 483 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,760 Yes, of course, slowly, cos it is rather full. 484 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,080 (MILSON BARKS) 485 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:32,880 (ALL SCREAM) 486 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,280 Great! Now our house is flooded with excrement! 487 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,200 My lovely dining room! 488 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:42,240 - Oh, I think I'm going to be sick! - Oh, Martin, get a mop! 489 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,960 What?! I'm not walking through that...! 490 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,160 - Sea of shit? - Adam! 491 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,720 - We'll have to go through the window. - The window? 492 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,840 - Come on. - Oh, my God! 493 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,040 No, no, Milson. 494 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,920 You've had your supper. 495 00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,920 Hold me, Jackie. Never let go. 496 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,800 Yes, all right, Jim. 497 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,200 I-I really am so sorry 498 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:08,280 for spilling all that... well, you know. 499 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,080 - Yes, Jim. - All I can say 500 00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:14,040 is that at least it's your own. 501 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,600 And a little bit of mine. Bye, all! 502 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,920 Thanks, Jim. 503 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,360 So, what do we do now? 504 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,600 - Just go back in the house. - Really? 505 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,000 OK, we're not going back in the house. 506 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,120 (CLEARS THROAT) 507 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,440 £500? 508 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:43,080 I know it's Friday night, but 500 quid to come and clean up some mess? 509 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,880 Have you told them it's shit? It's actual shit? 510 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:45,840 Just shut up. 511 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,920 Er, OK, two hours. 512 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,320 But please hurry. 513 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:53,040 Oh! Terrific. 514 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:57,120 Well, Martin, you've finally got your dinner in your caravan. Are you happy now? 515 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,640 Yes. Very. Hm. 516 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,760 Actually, it's not so bad in here. 517 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,440 - See? - Yeah, it's all right, really. 518 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,760 It was meant to be a celebration, a family celebration. 519 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,800 - It is a family celebration. - Is it? 520 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,920 - Dad? - What? 521 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,640 Your thing. 522 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:14,960 - What thing? - Oh, yeah. 523 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,680 Jackie, look. I got this made especially for you. 524 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,440 "Martin and Jackie." 525 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,120 You got that made for me? 526 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,720 And if I just press this little button... 527 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:29,920 Careful, Dad. 528 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,520 There. 529 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,520 Oh, Martin! 530 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,160 "Martin and Ackie." 531 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,480 Shut up. 532 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,080 Bloody bulbs. 533 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,240 Thanks, sweetheart. 534 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:48,600 - (JACKIE GIGGLES) - Okey dokey! 535 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,680 Anyone for a grotty butter sandwich? Over. 536 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,880 Er, piss off. Over. 537 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,800 You silly sods. 538 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,840 Right, let's get this bloody thing sorted. 539 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,640 Er... 540 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,520 (ALL SCREAM) 541 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:02,800 Stop! 542 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,320 (CRASHING) 543 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,000 Oh, my God! 544 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,000 (GASPS) 545 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:14,200 My caravan. My beautiful caravan! 546 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,640 Just look at it, Jackie! It's a wreck! 547 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:17,920 Oh, Dad. 548 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,280 Aw! 549 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:20,360 (ELECTRICAL FIZZING) 550 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,560 Martin! 551 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,400 Look. 552 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,760 (GASPS) 553 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,280 We can get this thing fixed, you know. 554 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:34,800 What? 555 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:35,880 We can, we will. 556 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,960 - We'll get it fixed, I promise. - Really? 557 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,120 - BOTH: Really? - (TUTS) Yes, darling. 558 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,360 Come on, let's wait in the car. 559 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,760 We'll order a pizza, yeah? 560 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,600 - Pizza! - Skill! 561 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:49,840 MARTIN: Yeah, come on, then. Pizza. 562 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,920 Jonny to Dad. Over. 563 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,600 Roger, Jonny. Go ahead. 564 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,160 Your caravan's on fire. Over. 565 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,280 Shit on it. Over.